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Do You Want to Find Your Soul Mate?  Are You Seriously Looking? Or, Have You Already Given Up?

Natasha Bedingfield

English singer and songwriter of international acclaim sings “Soul Mate”

Better to Wait for the Right Man or Woman Than to End up Unhappy and Eventually Divorced!
Don’t Accept Second Best!
This topic has the following 6 sections:
  • Who can be your soul mate?
  • Sharing your destiny with your soul mate.
  • Five (5) signs that you have met your soul mate.
  • Men and relationships.
  • The Peter Pan Syndrome:  Are you dating or married to Peter Pan?
  • Women and relationships:  What do women want?
Section 1:  Who can be your soul mate?

Traditionally in American culture when you talked about finding your soul mate, it meant finding your one true love, i.e. a man meets a woman and falls in love or vice versa.  However, over the past years, American culture has changed quite dramatically, and now accepts same-sex couples in romantic relationships.   

David and Jonathan

Two people of the same sex can be soul mates (with or without any romantic relationship). For example, two famous soul mates were David and Jonathan of biblical fame. Jonathan’s father, Saul, was king of Israel and wanted to kill his potential rival, David. Saul spent years trying to find David in order to have him killed, but every time David miraculously escaped. Saul was unaware that his son, Jonathan, was in a deep friendship with David and had used his position to help David escape from his father’s assassins. The connection that David and Jonathan had was described as “a love for each other that surpasses understanding.” Finding your soul mate can be an intense experience that transcends gender and prevailing social expectations.

Romeo & Juliet Set the Standard for Romance

For the purposes of this website, finding your soul mate implies a romantic relationship similar to the experiences of two of history’s most famous soul mates: Romeo and Juliet. The passion and connection that these two people had for each other set the standard by which all relationships to date have been measured! (For more information about this true-to-life couple, see the article in the “Travel Tips” section of this website, entitled “Verona, Italy”.)

Section 2:  Sharing Your Destiny With Your Soul Mate

You must live the life you were born to live. It is your destiny. Unless you are meant to remain single (a rare and highly unlikely occurrence), your destiny involves being with the right partner, someone commonly referred to as your soul mate. You will only experience true, endless love with your soul mate, as no one else can do that for you. The good news is that each of us has a soul mate. It may not be an easy task to find him or her, but it is well worth the effort. Particularly for permanent relationships (i.e. marriage or living common law for enough time to be considered as legally married), do not “settle” for anyone else other than your soul mate, as you will pay a heavy price.

What Happens When You Accept Second Best In Your Love Life?

After choosing someone who is second best, you will more than likely end up divorced, enduring a bitter separation that can take a heavy toll on you financially, psychologically, and physically. Some people are so devastated after a separation or divorce that they give up on love, resigning themselves to spending the rest of their days either alone or in endless, unfulfilling relationships. Do not place yourself in a similar situation. It is better to stay single than to end up in a relationship that leaves you worse off!

Are You “Jaded” From Previous Relationships?

Many men and women are so “jaded” and have so much extra “baggage” after a failed relationship that no one will want to begin a new relationship with them. Such people will blame their partners for the failed relationships, when in reality they are as much to blame as their partners. More than likely most of these people ignored the warning signs telling them in advance that their current relationship was doomed, but they overrode their “gut” feelings and proceeded forward, straight into “relationship hell”. Too many people enter a relationship and marriage, in particular, for reasons other than love, and then wonder months or years later why their relationship is bad and progressively getting worse. You created your life and you have to take responsibility.

Was True Love Ignored or Even a High Priority?

If true love was not a high priority when you began a relationship with your partner, then you must bear ultimate responsibility when your relationships fails (which it will). If you want someone to blame for your failed relationship, look in the mirror!

Learn from Your Mistakes

Learn from your own mistakes as well as from others. Save yourself from “relationship hell” and all the accompanying stress that it brings with it! Decide that sharing your destiny with your soul mate is a high priority in your life. As soon as you have done that, your mind sets out to make it a reality. You create your life; and if you are determined to find your soul mate, you will succeed, it is only a matter of time! Just being open to this possibility, can make all of the difference in the world!

Section 3:  Five (5) signs that you have met your soul mate:
  1. The single most important sign is that you can simply be yourself, i.e. the other person accepts you for who you are. There is no need to impress him or her. In other words, any type of pretence is not necessary with your soul mate. If you always feel the need to impress the other person or conceal who you are, then you haven’t met your soul mate.
  2. You feel totally at ease, i.e. there is no stress. You’re relaxed.
  3. Your soul mate seems to know your faults without you even divulging them. He or she accepts them, but pushes you to work through them. At times it may make you uncomfortable dealing with some of your issues, yet you know deep down that you have an ally in your soul mate, someone who offers you unconditional love and acceptance and wants the best for you.
  4. You experience love at first sight–you just know without that person even speaking to you that that person is your soul mate. The attraction is there and it’s undeniable.
  5. Even though you both may be complete strangers, you both feel a sense of familiarity towards each other, almost like you’ve met before (possibly in a past life), but you don’t know where and when.

Note: You need to experience all 5 signs in order to be sure that you have met your soul mate. If you just experience one sign, e.g. love at first sight, then you are more than likely sexually attracted to that person, but you have nothing else. Don’t try to make it anything more than that, as you risk deceiving yourself and setting yourself up for huge disappointment.

Tips On Finding Your Soul Mate and How to Avoid Relationship Hell

Refer to the Life Planning book mentioned on this website: “How to Create the Life You Want – Redesigning Your Life”. Chapter 15 of this book has the following sections that may interest you:

  • Finding True Love
  • Sharing Your Destiny
  • Finding True Love: Is Your Partner a Suitable Choice
  • Finding True Love: The Influence of Your Parents
  • Hints on How to Find Your Soul Mate
  • Avoiding Relationship Hell

Given the complexity of relationships, we all need as much help as possible! Be smart, be prepared! Gain the insight you need to have a successful relationship! Don’t land up being another relationship statistic (at least 50% of all marriages in the USA end up in divorce)!

Section 4:  Men and Relationships
Every Man Is Unique

Though many women would probably disagree, every man is unique. It is difficult to generalize about men and what they want in relationships, especially when you have to also consider the cultural differences. Every culture imposes its own values upon men and women; for example, a Spanish man is going to look at relationships much differently than an American man. The Spanish man may put a very high premium on how family-oriented a woman is, whereas the man from the United States may place a higher value on how independent a woman is.

What Is His Family Background?

In addition to the cultural differences, another major factor is whether or not the man grew up in a dysfunctional family. If he grew up watching his father abuse his mother, he did not have a very good role model as to how a man should treat a woman.

A smart woman will be aware of the influence that her partner’s family has had upon his behavior. She should therefore make the time and effort to get to know his family. All she has to do is observe how his mother and father interact, and that will be a good clue as to how her relationship with their son (her partner) is more than likely going to be with her: it will be a repeat of what she is witnessing between the mother and father.

What Does a Man Seek in His Future Wife?

Traditionally, in general terms, when a man wants to get married, he is more apt to marry a woman who is faithful, pretty but not too pretty, family-oriented, easy to please (low maintenance), and not obsessed with her career. More than likely such behavior stems from the fact that many men are insecure. Independent, beautiful women may attract men, but they can also easily repel them (i.e. scare them off). Many men do not want to compete with their wives for power and status. Men do that with other men, and do not want to enter into the same type of behavior with women.

What a Man Seeks in His Home Life

For centuries there has been the saying: “A man’s home is his castle”. That saying probably sums up how a man feels towards his home life. Most men traditionally have wanted to feel like they are in charge of the family unit (even if in reality they are mere figureheads). Many men do not want to be placed in a role-reversal situation where they feel like they have assumed the role of the woman (wife) and their partner has assumed the role of the man (husband). This way of thinking probably accounts for why so many women who have become quite successful in their careers have such a difficult time finding men that are even interested in dating them.

Does a Man Want His Wife to Change?

A man marries a woman with the hope that she stays the same way throughout their marriage. In general, men do not want to change their wives, they want them to remain the same. Whatever attracted the man towards the woman in the first place, is what the man wants to remain the same throughout their relationship.

Section 5:  The Peter Pan Syndrome: Are You Dating or Married to Peter Pan?
Who Was Peter Pan?

This term is named after the famous children’s storybook character, Peter Pan. It is used to describe a man who does not want to grow up (mature) and take responsibility for his life. Basically, it is a man who wants to remain a boy. Such men want to have fun and have their freedom at any cost. The last thing a Peter Pan wants, is to assume any responsibility and to become an adult. This type of man, however, can be very charming and fun to be with. He can easily attract women.

Ignore the Warning Signs at Your Own Peril

Many women tend to ignore the warning signs that they are dating a Peter Pan; for example, he makes promises, yet rarely keeps them. He always has a good excuse for his behavior and never takes responsibility for his actions or lack of actions. Many women have married a Peter Pan, only to end up in a disastrous marriage, especially if children are involved. Women have a tendency to marry a man hoping to change him for the better. Well, guess what! If you are in a relationship with a Peter Pan, you have an almost impossible job ahead of you. In the end, he will do what he wants to do, leaving you to take responsibility for everything.

Don’t Expect Much from Peter Pan

Do not expect your Peter Pan to take care of the children, to cook, to clean, or to do anything to help out around the house. Also, more than likely, he will have problems making an economic contribution to your relationship. For example, if he decides that his job is boring, he will probably quit it without consulting you. You may have a mortgage to pay, food to purchase for your family, and so on, but he does not think about that. Needless to say, your level of stress can increase dramatically and the hostility that you have towards your partner will increase, steadily eroding your relationship, until it turns toxic and divorce seems to be the only answer.

Proceed with Caution!

Be forewarned, proceed with caution when entering a relationship with Peter Pan. You can end up paying a heavy price for his charming company.

Section 6:  Women and Relationships: What Do Women Want?
Every Woman Is Unique

Though many men may disagree, every woman is unique. It is difficult to generalize about women and what they want in relationships. You must consider many factors such as the woman’s cultural background and also her family upbringing. One woman may place a high premium on a man being family-oriented whereas another woman may place a high premium on a man’s economic potential (i.e. what he can materially provide her with).

What Type of Man Is a Woman Used to?

If a man wants to know what type of man a woman wants to be around (i.e. to have in her life), he should find a way to meet her previous boyfriend or husband. After having met these other men, he will have a good idea of what his partner expects from a relationship (or doesn’t want in a relationship).

What Women Find Attractive in Men

Most normal (i.e. psychologically healthy) women are attracted to men who are kind, caring, family-oriented, dependable, and loyal. Women, like men, view their partner as either date material or marriage material. Often the man who is deemed date material is not viewed as potential marriage material. For example, the man a woman dates may be young, handsome, fun, sexy, and carefree, but he is only viewed as a temporary “fun” relationship.

Most of the time a woman is attracted to a man who is older, stable, mature, caring, and established (e.g. he has his own home, business, etc.), particularly if the woman wants to start a family. The younger, carefree man may be fun to be with, but he is unlikely to be committed to a long-term relationship, particularly if he is the Peter Pan type! Such a man is more than likely not interested in settling down and raising a family.

Does a Woman Want Her Husband to Change?

In general, when it comes to marriage, a woman marries a man with the hope that she can change him for the better. That situation, however, doesn’t work very well! Many women are either unable to see a man for who he truly is or they simply refuse to acknowledge the fact that what they see, is what they get! A woman who realizes this latter point can save herself a lot of time, effort, and heartache by focusing her attention on the right man (who doesn’t need to be changed), preferably finding her soul mate (i.e. the man she is destined to be with).  Let Peter Pan date someone else!