Male Sexuality: Far More Complicated Than You Could Ever Imagine!
The Importance of Accepting Who You Are (Just Be Yourself)
Introduction: Why focus on just male sexuality?
This section deals exclusively with male sexuality, as men seem to have more problems dealing with their sexuality and accepting it than women do. Contrary to popular belief, male sexuality can be quite complex, to the point that many men can’t fully understand it themselves. Compounded with that are the social and religious constraints imposed upon men to try and make them conform to a certain standard of behavior.
Why Focus in Particular on American Men?
Some men reading this section may wonder why so much attention is being paid in particular to American men. The major reason for this focus is simply due to the fact that more statistics on their sexual behavior is available.
Beliefs About Male Sexuality Have Changed World-Wide
In general, society worldwide, not just in the United States, has changed dramatically these past few years. Just as social norms have changed, so have sexual norms. Sexual behavior such as bisexuality and homosexuality was unthinkable years ago, yet is now commonly accepted. The monolithic heterosexual society that existed in America, particularly in the 1950’s and 1960’s no longer exists.
Male role models like the character of Richie Cunningham in the retro TV show “Happy Days” is from a bygone era: Richie was expected to find a nice girl, date her, and then marry her (with no sex till they were married). They would then have their own family and everyone would live happily ever after!
America Has Changed Dramatically These Past Few Years
That is not America nowadays! Men are free to do whatever they want sexually. As a matter of fact, any man 30 years of age and younger wouldn’t even understand why someone who was either bisexual or gay would want to hide it! They can’t relate to men who grew up in an earlier more repressive society.
The pressure for men to be “normal” (exclusively heterosexual) is still prevalent, but it is rapidly diminishing, particularly with younger men.
Drug and Alcohol Use : The Pressure to Conform
Unfortunately, pressure to conform to traditional social expectations has caused many men to use either drugs or alcohol or both whenever they indulge in “unconventional” sexual behavior. They can then claim that they weren’t responsible for their behavior. That would explain the common joke amongst men: “What is the difference between a guy who is straight and a guy who is gay? Answer: A six-pack of beer!”
Section I: Make Your Sexual Needs Part of Your Life
When you design your Life Plan (as outlined in the book “How to Create the Life You Want – Redesigning Your Life” referred to on this website) you have to take into account your sexual identity (i.e. your sexuality), which is usually defined as being either heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (strictly involving sex between consenting adults).
For example, chapter 5 of the above-mentioned book asks you to examine your beliefs, including your beliefs about sex; and chapter 8 has written exercises in order to discover what overall lifestyle you want to have, which includes who you want in your life as well as the sexual relationships that you want, if any.
Accept Your Sexual Needs: They Are Part of Your Being
Accept who you are and what your needs are. Don’t waste a lot of time trying to suppress what you shouldn’t (and can’t) suppress! That is not to say that a man should deliberately allow himself to get out of control, and just do whatever he feels like doing. There is a difference between “suppression” and “control”. Lack of control implies that you hurt yourself and others by your actions.
The sooner you accept yourself, the more you will enjoy life and the more successful you will be.
Your Destiny Is Unique
If you are either bisexual or gay, you will still encounter some hostility from straight society. No doubt a man who works full time, is married, with kids, and has absolutely no life (including a sexual life) is going to be somewhat envious of the man who is single and just having fun (and getting all the sex that he can handle)! Being married with kids is not for everyone. It may have worked for your parents, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will work for you! Your destiny is unique, not a repeat of your parents!
Section 2: A Survey of Male Sexuality in the United States – Times Are Changing!
The Traditional View of the American Male
Traditionally, the stereotype of the typical American male has been heterosexual. Such a man would be in a relationship with a woman, which would eventually end up in marriage (with the intention of having children). This lifestyle, however, didn’t suit everyone, particularly homosexual men who fought to have their lifestyle accepted. Eventually society accepted that a man could be either straight or gay.
Many people would often say that a man has to make a choice between which “team” he wants to be with! Such a viewpoint makes male sexuality quite simplistic and most people can accept that. However, male sexuality is not so simple!
American Society Has Changed Drastically
American society has been undergoing tremendous change these past few decades with many men and women questioning their traditional viewpoints on what their roles are in society (e.g. the man should be the “breadwinner” in a family while his wife stays home to raise their children) and what their expectations are with each other (e.g. women want to be less dependent upon men and more self-reliant).
While much attention in America has focused upon women (everything from enriching their career possibilities to sexual empowerment), far less attention seems to have been given to men. In the midst of so much upheaval, however, the modern American male has been quietly but drastically changing, especially when it comes to his views on sexuality.
Survey Results – The American Male & Sexual Behavior
Around 2014 a survey on male sexuality was conducted in the United States. Special attention was given to include a large number of men (to increase the accuracy of the survey results) and to include all of the U.S.A., not just more liberal-minded states like California. The results were very interesting (and probably quite shocking to many Americans):
- 50% of men surveyed have had at least 1 sexual experience with another man
- 10% of men identified themselves as homosexual (i.e. only having sex with other men)
- 30 – 50% of men identified themselves as bisexual (i.e. having sex with both men and women)
- 40 – 60% of men (the remainder) identified themselves as heterosexual (only having sex with women)
The Emergence of the No-Hassle Sex Trend
This survey also discovered that a new trend amongst American men was emerging: men who identified themselves as straight (heterosexual men), but were leading a gay sexual lifestyle. This trend was called “no hassle sex”, as it highlighted the wish on the part of men to have sex simply for the sake of having sex without any perceived “drama” attached to it.
The men involved in this new trend explained that they were disillusioned with women and all of the perceived game playing as well as the emphasis by women to receive something material in exchange for them consenting to have sex (e.g. expensive dinners, jewelry, gifts, or trips). Quite interesting was the fact that such men still viewed themselves as heterosexual.
The Modern American Male Is Perhaps Not so Sexually Conservative!
The biggest shock (or surprise) in these survey results has to be the number of men who have identified themselves as bisexual (30 – 50% of the male population). Bisexually has been widely accepted in places like Europe and South America for many decades, but it is surprising that it has now become so common amongst American men. It may have always been that way and perhaps people are just now being more honest and open about their sexuality.
Also interesting was the fact that the gay population remains at 10% (which is a worldwide phenomenon). For some unknown reason nearly every country in the world has the same percentage of gay men. So, contrary to the fears of many religious people in the U.S.A., men have not en masse embraced the homosexual lifestyle (due to society being more liberal-minded); instead they seem to have embraced bisexuality! We do live in interesting times!
Section 3: What Fuels a Man’s Sexuality?
Testosterone – the Fuel of Passion
Testosterone is the hormone that fuels a man’s sexual desires or passions. It starts to increase as soon as a boy enters puberty (around the age of 13 years) and decreases as a man ages. Unfortunately, for men, the peak of a man’s sexuality is at the age of 18 years old. (It’s much later in life for women).
Testosterone is what makes a man “a man”, and makes him so very different than a woman. Some men have low levels of testosterone and thus little interest in sex; whereas others have high levels of it and need sex on a regular basis (in order to “burn off” the testosterone that is building up within their bodies). Not all men are created equal when it comes to sexual desire and capability.
Testosterone Alters a Man’s Sexual Behavior
It is this hormone that produces the sexual behavior of men. Large amounts of it at any one time can drive a man almost mad. It is no wonder that men laugh when women say that men should be able to control their sexual desires, switching their interests off by merely wishing it so.
Testosterone Is Like a Drug
Testosterone is like a drug that makes it almost impossible for a man to ignore, and it is primarily responsible for men acting the way they do (many times irrationally or impetuously). There is a good reason why most men don’t become successful in life till they are in their late 40’s onward: the level of testosterone in their system has decreased to the point where they are not bothered by it, and they can thus think rationally and not be bothered by sexual desires (as they were when they were younger).
Section 4: Men, Women, & Sex – A Difference In Viewpoints
Given the differences in viewpoints towards sex, maybe men truly are from Mars and women are from Venus: two different planets in two different parts of the galaxy! I’m sure that many times men think that of women and vice versa! How often have you heard a woman say to a man (or a man to a woman): “What planet are you from? It can’t be from the same one as me!”
The Male Viewpoint on Sex
There is a huge difference between men and women and how each views sex. To explain this difference in its most basic terms, men are able to have sex and have no emotional connection with whomever they have sex. For men, sex is primarily a physical act. Men do not equate sex with love. A man does not automatically fall in love with a woman after having had sex with her. It takes more than that for a man to fall in love with a woman!
Unfortunately, if a man is unable to connect psychologically with a woman and only views her in physical (sexual) terms, then he is going to have problems. His love life can easily become an endless parade of “one night stands” with no emotional attachment to anyone, leaving him an aging playboy with no prospects of finding happiness and companionship. By the time he gets his life together, it may be too late: all of the worthwhile women have more than likely left him and he is alone.
The Female Viewpoint on Sex
Women are the exact opposite of men (or at least most women are). Women equate sex with love. If a woman has sex with a man, she can (and often does) fall in love with him (i.e. she has a psychological and in some cases a spiritual connection with that man). This situation, however, can pose a lot of problems for women. For example, a woman may spend the night with a man whom she thinks is “Prince Charming”, only to discover in the morning that she has actually spent the night with a “frog”! If this situation happens too often, the woman can easily become quite “jaded” and close herself off to love, making it next to impossible for her to find her true soul mate (i.e. the man destined to be hers).
Section 5: Nowadays You Can Lead Any of the Following Three Most Common Lifestyles:
click onto the video Youtube site location with Tom Cruise – “Take My Breath Away” – by Berlin from the Top Gun movie
Bisexual (Bi) Lifestyle:
click onto the video Youtube site location of “Him” sung by Geo Louis
click onto the video Youtube site location of “Stay” sung by Steve Grand
Hints for A Satisfying Sex Life:
- Whatever lifestyle you want (i.e. whomever you want to be with) is your choice. Actually, the lifestyle chooses you! You may choose from the above three most common lifestyles, or you may have your own.
- Don’t let someone else dictate to you as to how you should live your life. Accept your sexuality, it’s part of who you are! Don’t apologize for who you are!
- Go out and have fun. If you stay true to yourself, your life will be one of success, power, and happiness – what more can anyone ask for!
Section 6: Sexual Issues Confronting Men:
A) Who is your kryptonite?
Superman fans will know instantly what kryptonite is. For those, however, who don’t know, it is the fictional substance that weakened Superman: he could leap tall buildings, crush boulders, but was helpless when he encountered kryptonite. In modern usage, kryptonite has evolved to also apply to people, not just a substance. You may hear someone say: “You are my kryptonite!”
Jim Unexpectedly Meets His Kryptonite (A True Story)
Jim is a happily married 35-year old man living in Chicago with his wife and two sons (the names and actual location have been changed to conceal their identities). Jim has always been straight, never even once thinking of experimenting sexually with anyone else, particularly another man. He’s quite pleased with his sex life. His wife, Cathy, makes him happy and satisfied (from a sexual point of view).
One late afternoon he was showering at the end of his workout at the fitness center that he regularly attends when he suddenly noticed one young man in particular. This young guy was strutting around, showing off his incredible physique. For many years Jim had regularly showered in the Men’s Change Room with many young men who had great physiques. It was nothing new. He hadn’t really noticed any of them – they were just ordinary guys. This “new” guy, however, was different. He wasn’t “cruising” anyone – he was just being himself. He had no hangups about his body – he was “all male” and proud of it! Jim watched the guy soaping himself, slowly rubbing the soap over his body. Without warning, Jim found himself becoming sexually aroused. He was embarrassed and quickly turned away.
Within minutes Jim had left the showers, changed back into his work clothes, and was en route home. He tried to forget what had happened, dismissing it as nothing. However, that night when he lay in bed he kept thinking of that mysterious young man. Three days later while Jim was in the shower again at the fitness center the mysterious young man strutted in, and said hello to Jim. His name was Paul. He was 27 years old and new to Chicago. Jim invited him out for coffee after they showered. At the coffee shop Jim tried to maintain a “normal” conversation talking about sports and the weather, but finally confessed to Paul that he was attracted to him. Jim explained to Paul repeatedly that he wasn’t gay, nor bisexual. He had never even thought about having a sexual experience with another guy. Paul just laughed and suggested that they talk further at a nearby hotel. At the hotel they landed up having wild, hot passionate sex.
Jim felt guilty afterwards and told Paul that he couldn’t see him again. Paul was his kryptonite, and that scared him. Jim just wanted his “normal” life back. Paul handed JIm his business card, and told him to call him the next time he felt like having coffee again! He then left, confident that sooner or later their paths would cross again!
Life Point: Your Sexual Desires May Surprise You – Learn to Live with the Unexpected
Jim posted his story on-line to make other men aware that we all potentially have someone that could be our kryptonite. He never even considered such a possibility until he met Paul. Society tries to put simplistic labels to explain all sexual behavior (within men), e.g. you are supposed to be straight, bi, or gay. Male sexuality, however, is not that simple. After reading his story, many people would label Jim as secretly gay or at least bisexual, but Jim says that is not the case. He loves his wife and wants to stay with her. He can’t explain why he had such a reaction towards Paul. After much soul-searching, he has just accepted that it happened and has resumed his “normal” life. He’s at least aware now that everyone, including himself, has someone who can be their kryptonite, and it could be either a man or a woman. It’s normal, as we are all sexual beings with different needs (at different times in our lives)
b) Young Men & Sexting: A Modern Phenomenon
In 2015, CNN (News) reported that “sexting” is far more common amongst teenagers (in the USA) than parents realize. One survey estimated that 50% of teens may be involved with at least 30% of them sending an explicit photo (i.e. nude or semi-nude). When a scandal breaks at a high school (which seems to be happening on an ongoing basis in the USA), it seems that it’s always the teenage girls involvement with sexting that is reported. The common perception is that the teenage girls take the explicit photos of themselves, and then the teenage boys distribute them on-line. One recent study found, however, that teenage boys are taking explicit photos of themselves and posting them on-line in equal number to those of teenage girls.
In 2017, an American high school was hit with a sexting scandal that had a startling twist: the teenage girls on the cheerleader squad had posted nude photos of themselves on-line. As if to let everyone know that they were just as bold, the teenage boys on the football team posted nude photos of themselves on-line. When the sexting scandal broke, the (male) principal and boys’ football coach confronted the boys involved and were horrified that nearly all of the young men (the teenage boys) expressed no remorse or shame. In front of the news media, both the principal and football coach stated that in their day (i.e. when they were teenagers) boys would never have done something like that (perhaps out of fear of being viewed as gay). With the general acceptance of gays nowadays, few boys had any fears of being labelled as gay. They didn’t care about such labels. All of the boys said that they exercised regularly and were proud of their bodies and saw nothing wrong with their actions. Furthermore, everyone was doing it, so what was the issue?
Life Point: Technology Has Changed Young Men’s Sexual Behavior
This scandal was a “wake up” call to the older generation. Social norms towards sexuality have changed considerably these past few decades. What was unacceptable in 1970, may now be the norm in 2018. It’s an entirely different generation and young men’s attitudes towards their bodies and sexuality in general have changed dramatically (as has most of society as a whole). As Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz exclaimed: “We’re no longer in Kansas!” Sexting is a modern phenomenon that isn’t going away anytime soon – it horrifies the older generation, but is accepted and embraced by the younger generation. Every young generation wants to rebel against the norms of the older generation whatever they may be. It would seem that sexting has provided many young men an opportunity to do just that.